29.10.02

today, at work, my fourth set of customers were a pair of women, i would guess them to be fifty. one of them had a libree and eyebrow piercing.

I remember my dear old grandma
her darlin' old wrinkled face
with about ninety extra holes,
stainless steel all over the place.

she was so sweet and kind
always sympathetic
but she stayed away from the fridgidaire
cause her face was so magnetic

CHORUS
all of grandma's piercings
are so special to me
her jangling ears and her shiny nose
alternative and free

lower lip and eyebrow
she had a double and a triple
she sewed my pants with the needle
she first used on her nipple.


grandma liked the pain
from the needle going through
her ears and tongue and belly button
and her solar plexis too

grandpa rarely said
that he liked her less or more
but once he told me after church
she tickled like an old west whore

chorus

grandma passed away
a year or two ago
like a pincushion in a casket
i'll really miss her so

we put her in the ground
buried her with a tear
take my metal detector to the cemetery
i can just feel she's near

chorus x 2

28.10.02

ok, so since both of my readers have requested such, one in person, i will post again. don't get too excited, i get bored easily, and most of my life is not interesting enough to share (or so i'm told).

news from the front
haven will be officially my brother november 8th. my mother sent this news along with a new picture of the lad, and he is painfully cute. though he is really my first cousin once removed, we actually have the same dimple (on our faces, you sick fuck!). last time i talked with my mother, she put the phone up to haven's ear so that i could talk to him. this may well be the dumbest thing i can think of my mother ever doing, but i suppose it is cute to an extent. haven is six months old, and doesn't quite yet grasp the concept of the telephone unless he is truly advanced (which wouldn't surprise me, but i'll not count on it).

go angels. i was pleased to see the giants lose last night, but i must say that rooting for the team that didn't beat your adopted home team takes some of the fun out of the world series. nonetheless, it was a good series, and i probably would have posted more if not for it. well, even though that isn't true, it is a nice lie we tell ourselves nonetheless, right?

i have got to get out of the restaurant biz. the lack of intellectual stimulation is killing me. i have memorized everything i need to know about the job, down to the prices with tax of every item we sell. this is no way for a reasonably intelligent man to live.... but i hear it's hard all over. it does seem though that all of my friends have decent jobs that require more head work than leg. maybe i shoulda got me one a them degrees!

my sketch comedy auditions are rapidly approaching. the group is to be called the bastards karamazov, after a sketch i wrote with andy von crankenhaus. i have written a few things for the audition and hopefully later use. no church groups, please.

finally, i am always late to the new revolutions, i just started playing the sims. suzi is much more deeply addicted than i am, but i know i have a problem. i can't go without my artificial people too long.

there is no rest for the wicked, but at least they have better sex.
G

2.10.02

so.... the last post i made didn't go through. i wonder why? do you think it's because i used the word TERRORIST? peut etre, peut etre non pas.

to the best of my recollection, my last post had to do with, surprise surprise surmotherfuckingprise, the chocolate bar. a new anecdote.

on of my top five worst customers. probably number three since my first restaurant job at 15.

horrid bitch: hi, i'm looking for some chocolate
G: (thinking "what does the sign say outside? the asparagus bar?") ok, you'll have to be a little more specific than that
hb: (scoffing) you know, a box of chocolate?
G: we have boxes of our truffles
hb: i don't want truffles, i want chocolate
G: well, all of our pure chocolates are over here.... (guiding the horrid bitch)
hb: God, all you have is dark chocolate? don't you have any milk chocolate?
G: this is milk chocolate
hb: is that all you have? i hate dark chocolate!
G: well, milk chocolate isn't really that complex, so we only have one var...
hb: what i'm looking for is (brand name i have never heard of). do you have any of that?
G: i can't say i'm familiar with...
hb: it's a chocolate with a hazelnut filling.
G: like a truffle?
hb: yes.
G: our lafayette square truffle has a chocolate hazelnut filling...
hb: fine, give me a three pack
G: here you are
hb: i don't want that! i want a box of chocolate!
G: (looking at box with chocolates inside in hand) ok......
hb: i can't give that as a gift! i need a big box. give me a three pack of the l.s., but i want it in a box (describing dimensions erratically)
G: you only want three?
hb: you obviouslydon't understand what i'm saying. i want a box of chocolates...

this continued for several minutes. if she ever comes back, i'm calling the police to report the crime that i am about to commit on her.