for no good reason, i am feeling a touch depressed. work is good, i'm about to be a father for the third time, and we are loving our new house, but tonight, i can't shake a bit of blues. i suppose these things are chemical as much as anything else, and it's true the the main chemical i add to my bloodstream is a depressant, but it matters not a bit to the general feeling. why i'm burdening the blogosphere with this, i'm not sure, except that i have a need to write a little, and this seems the most likely way to do it tonight.

siouxs! said she wonders if our son is depressed, and i think that may have to do with this. i think he stands a good chance of getting the depression gene, seeing as how it runs rampant in both of his parents' families. i don't personally remember if i was depressed at three, but the odds are for it. i was seeing a child psychologist not long after that point for just such a reason. thinking that my boy might be in for an emotional life such as i have led is hard for me to take. i would do anything to keep him from the deep dark voids that i went through, but at the same time, they made me who i have become. is depression that's coped with a strengthening factor? is it a function of being intelligent but not sociopathic? when i look at my daughter, equally amazing, but very happy most of the time, i wonder if jack was like that when he was her age (though it was only a year and a half ago, and i should remember), and therefore, does she have a similar personality trait to look forward to?

sorry. drag. i'll do better next time.

handful of things for those who care

tuesday, when i call on oak ridge, siouxs! called to to find out if i was on my way home from oak ridge. she then put jack on the phone and he told me "daddy you're eating okra." i love having kids.

ok, it was just one. i'll get back to you later.

another update for those not on my dispatch list (and if you want to be added to the more personal version of this blog, leave a comment or something so i can get your e-mail address).

as of october 1st (assuming my coffee boss allows my breach of good faith) i will be back in the wine business. it's best described as a junior sales postion, i guess, as it involves the most wear and tear on my vehicle that is possible in east tennessee, but it is still a job in the booze biz that i so enjoy.

jack is doing great, his little sister is progressing according to schedule, and the thedamned family is doing well, thanks for asking. we are finally fully connected to the outsine world, as the porn cottage is now wired for phone, cable, and internet (in that order), and we each have a cell phone number. we are gladly accepting donations to pay for same.

that's all for now, but i will try to keep up with the blogging a little more regularly from the home computer.

we're moving. it's long since decided. now, if only we could afford to move.

we have a savings account set up specifically for this purpose, but it looks like we're going to have to dip into it just to get out of town. getting all the bills payed off for the last time, renting a truck (and then gas), actually ahving a place to stay that isn't my grandmother's second floor of her condo (though that is sounding more and more like a possibility if my uncle isn't living there yet), these things all cost money. we're hoping to buy a house in tennessee, but at the moment we'll need to turn jack over as collateral.

in terms of buying a house, we couldn't pick a better time with the housing market in the gutter, but if we can't even get enough scratch together for a heavily discounted house, we're going to remain renters, something I had sincerely hoped to avoid.

but on the plus side, i'm going to be published on feathertale again. i guess they must not be that discriminating.

tomorrow is the day i give my two months notice. i'm giving them that much time so they can hire someone and i can do some of the training of said new hire. i am also doing it because the brashness of my younger days is behind me. i walked out of two jobs, sticking around to tell off the owner at one of them, and gave less than two weeks notice at others.

jack (and siouxs!) give me a new perspective on such things. though i would love to look back on my life and be able to say proudly that i did everything on my own terms, i have learned that the suppression of self is frequently the way to go. i smile and don't curse my bosses to high heaven because they are the best option i have for a recommendation at a new job. i like the busuness i am in a lot, just not particularly with this company, therefore, i must keep them happy to best utilize the contacts that are available. thankfully, their import company now has distribution in tennessee, so maybe i can make that transition. whatever the case (forgive my rambling), it is because of the need to keep a roof over jack and siouxs!'s heads that i swallow my pride and laugh at horrible jokes.

our big every other year tasting was this past weekend, and dear god, how much would i like to be working for a winery instead of a distributor... such level headed people on the whole, and they all drink a lot of beer and smoke a lot of pot. they also drink a lot of wine, but i could probably make that work too. i may not be able to tell you about the nuances, but i know good from bad from great and usually that's enough to cover a winemaker's ego.

gthedamned, aka gthedada would like to wish jackthedamned, sweetest one-year-old in the country, a happy first birthday. since he's not too good with the calendar yet, we're taking him to the ballgame saturday and having a big bbq/party on sunday. twenty or thirty adults, as many as ten kids, all in my apartment and backyard. oh, and we're feeding them all as well. there will be a tip jar, and possibly straight up solicitations as the evening wears on.

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last night, a thought occurred to me. our prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment is bullshit. first of all, all punishment is cruel and unusual. that's why it's punishment. if it was pleasant and normal, it wouldn't be any deterrent at all. however, as it stands, it isn't deterrent enough. i think we need to crank up the levels of cruel and unusual on our punishments. armed robbery? first, you get shot. in the arm. it's your responsibility to get to the hospital. after you get out, everytime you walk into a rob-able establishment, you get it in the stomach with a sack of quarters. after a few years of this, few people would be tempted to return to a life of crime. corporate fraud? government garnishment of wages ensuring you live at minimum wage for the rest of your life. second, they stick a live weasel up your ass. second offense, it's a badger. third, a wolverine (sticking with the mustelid family, naturally).

sorry i've been neglecting you, oh my few readers. it's been hard to deliver the anti conservative screed when you can go home every night to this face. happy blogging.

let me paint you a picture of what it's like to be a new parent on new year's eve.

i started drinking beer with dinner (coffee stout to go with coffee stout beef stew, which is absurdly good). we had friends over for dinner (howler monkey and whorcus) who left at seven or so. put baby to bed. continue beer drinking , though we switched to highlife for the sake of economy, and because it is the champagne of beers. roughly ten-thirty, siouxs! goes to bed. i tuck her in and stumble back downstairs to continue drinking and watching kung fu hustle. add several glasses of water to drinking queue. at eleven fifty-eight, i switched to network tv, but couldn't find any celebrity spokespeople, so went upstairs to give siouxs! a kiss for the new year. stumbled back downstairs, grabbed another beer and another water, stumble upstairs to read in bed.

happy new year, everyone, and by everyone, i mean both of you.

tomorrow is my favorite holliday behind halloween, so i thought i would mention a few things worth being thankful for (though to whom, i don't know, as i'm at best an agnostic, but whatever)

jack and siouxs! make my every day better. no matter how bad a day at work is, i get to come home and be happy right away when i see those two smiling at me, and every morning, i get to see them first so my day can start right.

the rest of my family, of course, who love us enough to be thrilled that we're coming home for thanksgiving.

i still have a few really good friends who i can always count on (and you know who you are)

despite the tightened belts that go along with siouxs! going to part time and the extra expense of a baby, we're still doing better than back when we first got together.

both cars are running well (knock on wood)

the republikkkans lost a lot of ground

the cardinals won a world series

i've been published twice in the last year

no one close to me has died this year

there's lots more than that, but that'll do for now. we're driving overnight in an effort to keep jack asleep for the trip, as he still isn't too fond of long car trips. here's hoping for an uneventful drive and a good morning once we get there and try to grab a few hours sleep before what will undoubtably be a thanksgiving feast (my grandmother is still cooking for people who won't be there for one reason or another, and even when there were a lot more of us, there were always piles of leftovers).

enjoy your holiday, and be thankful for what you otherwise take for granted.

oh yeah, and friday is buy nothing day. please celebrate and remind the corporations that we are people, not consumers

despite what might be the obvious conclusion based on this picture, i promise that we have never given this child alcohol or drugs. all i can say is that it runs in the family. my mother seems to have an uncanny ability to appear inebriated in pictures where she is no such thing (not that she doesn't drink, but i can count on my fingers the number of times i've seen her drunk, and as far as you know, i only have two fingers). i suppose there is the possibility that she's just a remarkably good drunk who indulges a lot more than it would otherwise seem, but since the same trait has appeared in her grandson, i'm guessing it's just genetic dumb luck. in jack's case, i know for a fact that he can't reach the liquor, and i wouldn't give him any for fear that he is blessed/cursed with my high tolerance, and he'd drink me out of house and home once he acquired a taste for the stuff. again, if such things are genetic, i don't think it will take too long after the first exposure.

i defy the blogosphere to produce a cuter child.

i go home to this smiling face every day. jealous?

insurance hassle: jack has to go in for surgery next week, and thanks to the barely navigable fine print of my "explanation of benefits" with our new (and not as comprehensive, thanks) insurance, i'm not sure if he's fully covered for the procedure. it may be classified as an elective procedure, so it gets fuzzier already there. the best i can tell, it should be covered, but even if it is, i don't know if i'm on the hook for my deductible, his, or both. i'm already behind paying the hospital for souixs!'s stay when he was born. deductibles are a bunch of shit. insurance in this country is the biggest racket that exists.

the amazing thing to me is how much the baptists who raise me rail against gambling, but nearly every one of them is insured. insurance is just like casino gambling: no one would be in that business if they weren't assured to come out on top. the difference between health insurance and gambling is that if you're taking a lot of money from a casino, they buy you breakfast. if you're taking a lot of money from the insurance company, they might cancel your policy.

vote democrat. they're in quite a few pockets too, but at least it's a step in the right (left) direction.

siouxs! and i went for a run together last night for the first time in over a year. it was only about a mile, but it felt good. due to jack's probable dairy allergy, siouxs! had been unable to eat cheese and such while still breastfeeding the boy, so i've been cooking without dairy for a few weeks. i've been drinking less on the whole, not by design exactly, but i just have. i'm going to bed earlier on a regular basis than has been my custom in the past. i've lost fifteen pounds since he was born.

this upswing in healthy behavior is all pretty well attributable to jack. i want to be healthy enough to play with him. i want to be able to run around with him for hours, or walk around with him on my shoulders all over the zoo. he loves being outside, and i want it to stay that way. oh, i do love my video games, but i don't want jack to be a playstation zombie, so i rarely play anymore, if only not to set a bad example.

i do love that boy so. how is it that he makes me feel simultaneously old and young?

so this week i am running the show as best i can in the office, as both of my bosses are in south america for the week. i hope they have a good time there, because i have a feeling it's going to be murder here. i have covered the office for a few days before, and it's usually quiet, but there will likely be at least four times this week when i am so stressed out that i threaten sales reps on the phone and/or let the frustration in my voice leak out when i'm on the phone with a customer (work enough customer service and you can say just about anything with a smile, just letting the bile trickle out the back of your head). anyway, if the week warrants, there will be updates.

jack had a pretty good weekend. we barbecued a little saturday, but did next to nothing else all weekend long. this is a very good thing, as the next several weekends will contain a trip to tennessee and a lesbian wedding among other things. i think every weekend between now and july is spoken for somehow or another.

enough for now. more when something exciting happens.

fuck bush.

two posts in one morning... amazing, i know.

this baby looks surprisingly like jack.

this is hands down the cutest three-armed chinese baby i've ever seen.

so, i realize my posts last week were somewhat lacking, but it was a rough work week. i will try to get back up to pace on the ranting, but the republikkkans are shooting themselves in the feet so much these days, i've wondered if i shouldn't jinx things by pointing them out to both of my readers. any way, here's what's been taking the majority of my time...

it's hard to be mad at anyone when this is waiting at home for you.

to: jack
from: daddy

regarding your mothers favorite lullaby, "hush little baby," i have a few observations that it would be to your financial benefit to hear.
first of all, disregard the opening lines completely. you are still only one month old, little baby, and if you want to say a word, please do. it would be thrilling, and we could probably make some good investments off of all the infant product endorsements. if you have a particular word in mind, go with that, but if not, i'll bet we could make a lot of money with "similac." practice it in your spare time.
secondly, this mockingbird that is alluded to, i will assume is trained to sing a little snippet of a tune. i would hope so, as mockingbird song is not so pretty when they aren't imitating. if we're going to have to be cleaning up bird shit off the carpets, we'd better at least get a pleasing jingle out of the deal. however, we might actually hope for the mockingbird to be tone-deaf, as the replacement has far greater value. should the mockingbird be songless, your mother has agreed to buy you a diamond ring. i know this seems dangerous, and in fact, it is, but we will most certainly be putting said ring into a safety deposit box for you. before doing so, i will be taking the ring to a reputable jeweler, as your mother has a tendency to buy products as advertised, without further inquiry as to the quality of the workmanship. i will take her condition "if that diamond ring turns brass" to be an oversight, and not some sort of wealth reducing alchemy, for we both know (even you at such a young age) that metals cannot be transmuted into other metals. therefore, we will assume that your mother is only concerned with the diamond itself, which we will snatch out before she tries to trade it in on a looking glass. frankly, the diamond is the real bargain here. i'll buy you a looking glass, jack. we'll not be trading diamond rings for mirrors, not matter the composition of the ring. take my advice. i may not be an investment banker, but i know a ripoff when i see one.
i don't know if your mom expects the mirror to have some kind of preternatural glow or what, but if it proves not to "shine" (perhaps it just needs a good cleaning), you're getting a bottle of wine out of the deal. even considering our relatively lax views on underage drinking, i would assume that she's looking for a bottle with some aging potential. one would hope that she would at least consult me on this one, as i do work in the wine business. i'll try to get you a good vintage of bordeaux, but it'll take some doing, and frankly, you might be better off keeping your investments in something more stable, like perhaps, diamonds. this is also where things start to go way downhill for you in terms of profit potential. your mom, on the condition that the bottle of wine "gets broke" (a painful misuse of grammar, and from an english teacher, no less), will buy you a billy goat. now, i'm not saying that there is no money in a goat, but to make a real income from them, you'll need several milking goats (therefore nanny goats, not billy goats), and some cheese making facilities, neither of which is possible in our apartment.
"if that billy goat runs away, mama's gonna buy you another day." this is puzzling to me, as i can't figure if it means that you're out of luck and will have to start afresh tomorrow in this whirlwind commodities trading, or if someone has a contract on your life, and she has been wiring the assassin funds to stave off your execution. either way, tomorrow, let's see if we can get another diamond. if we keep stockpiling them for a few weeks, i know a guy. we can go live out our days in the Caribbean. as long as she learns a little about exchange rates first, your mom can come too.

another good night for jack. we got to sleep for three hour stretches, and he wasn't fussy until this morning when i had to get up anyway. it's amazing to me that a two week old baby could have so much personality. i don't get to go home for lunch today (well, i could, but siouxs! and jack won't be there), so today is going to be something of a drag.
on the plus side, here are some more pictures. what can i say, the boy likes to sleep (mostly in the mornings, just like his old man).

jackie boy goes in to see the pediatrician for the first time since the hospital today, and i'll bet he's really rather quiet for her. this is because last night he never slept in bed for more than an hour at a stretch, demanding the rest of the time that one of us be holding him, not in bed. on the plus side, he really seems to like reggae and traditional ska, siouxs!'s and my favorite musical genres of late. true, you have to bounce him in time with the beat for it to work, but the island music does seem to work better than other types. it also helps if you sing along, which can be a bit tricky if the singer's jamaican accent is strong enough. though my imitation of vowel sounds is pretty spot on, i don't always know what i'm saying.
needless to say, i'm freakin' tired today. perhaps i'll post again later.