due to the move, i haven't been posting much lately. I can't promise that it will pick up after the move, but we'll see, won't we. the move is now a week away, and stress levels are needless to say high.

we had to put elektra to sleep this morning. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i'm very sad, and when i'm sad, i'm not exactly eloquent. i woke up this morning remembering the times before jack was born when the beginning of my day consisted of siouxs! getting into the shower after letting the dogs come into our room, and having melne curled up in the crook of my legs and elektra in front of my face. she really was a sweet dog, even if not to everyone. she loved me and siouxs! and even got along pretty well with jack, who in the last few weeks took to pulling her hair something terrible.

thankfully, we found a home for melne. it was hard enough to take one dog in for such a grim task, two would have been impossible.

we're moving. it's long since decided. now, if only we could afford to move.

we have a savings account set up specifically for this purpose, but it looks like we're going to have to dip into it just to get out of town. getting all the bills payed off for the last time, renting a truck (and then gas), actually ahving a place to stay that isn't my grandmother's second floor of her condo (though that is sounding more and more like a possibility if my uncle isn't living there yet), these things all cost money. we're hoping to buy a house in tennessee, but at the moment we'll need to turn jack over as collateral.

in terms of buying a house, we couldn't pick a better time with the housing market in the gutter, but if we can't even get enough scratch together for a heavily discounted house, we're going to remain renters, something I had sincerely hoped to avoid.

but on the plus side, i'm going to be published on feathertale again. i guess they must not be that discriminating.

i told the bosses wednesday (administrative professionals day; they didn't catch the irony) about the impending move. they are being really cool about it, perhaps too cool. like, maybe they were feeling it was about time for this to be at an end as well. whatever the case, it's done. the last tie/out is now cut. the move is official.

i ran into an old high school friend on the interbot the other day, and started thinking about how many people i went to high school with are still/back in knox vegas. in a way, it's conforting, but also strange to be going back. i'll likely run into lots of people i knew, given time. considering i may be getting into sales, that's lots of people i'll be seeing every day.

can't straighten out my head right now. perhaps more over the weekend.

tomorrow is the day i give my two months notice. i'm giving them that much time so they can hire someone and i can do some of the training of said new hire. i am also doing it because the brashness of my younger days is behind me. i walked out of two jobs, sticking around to tell off the owner at one of them, and gave less than two weeks notice at others.

jack (and siouxs!) give me a new perspective on such things. though i would love to look back on my life and be able to say proudly that i did everything on my own terms, i have learned that the suppression of self is frequently the way to go. i smile and don't curse my bosses to high heaven because they are the best option i have for a recommendation at a new job. i like the busuness i am in a lot, just not particularly with this company, therefore, i must keep them happy to best utilize the contacts that are available. thankfully, their import company now has distribution in tennessee, so maybe i can make that transition. whatever the case (forgive my rambling), it is because of the need to keep a roof over jack and siouxs!'s heads that i swallow my pride and laugh at horrible jokes.

our big every other year tasting was this past weekend, and dear god, how much would i like to be working for a winery instead of a distributor... such level headed people on the whole, and they all drink a lot of beer and smoke a lot of pot. they also drink a lot of wine, but i could probably make that work too. i may not be able to tell you about the nuances, but i know good from bad from great and usually that's enough to cover a winemaker's ego.

gthedamned has been farily quiet lately, and for that, i apologize. i am covering the office by myself this week, so you may or may not see more posts than usual between now and friday.

the whole thedamned family took our thrice a year mandatory trip to tennessee last week, more for business than visiting. details about the move needed to be moved forward, houses needed to be looked at, interviews needed to be conducted, the passive tense needed to be used. siouxs! had a great interview, and feels confident that she will be offered a job; the question now is mostly where she will teach in knox vegas, next year. yours truly did not actually interview anywhere, but since i won't be signing a contract for the coming schoolyear, it isn't as urgent that i have a several month long head start. i did determine that, in addition to local distributors and other jobs in the booze biz, i will be sending my resume to both the bijou and the tennessee theater, just to get a little closer to the world i supposedly went to school to study.

we also had a lot of discussions about what our lives will actually be like after a move to my homeland. will we be able to deal with the stress of seeing my family all the time? will they be able to handle the fact that we/i don't go to church anymore, or that jack isn't baptized? how can we best deal with the racism that is not more prevalent, just more open? in st louis, relatively few people assume that because we're white, we're racists. in tennessee, my aunt doesn't consider the n word to be racist because "there's white ones too, so i'm not saying anything bad about black people."

what it's going to come down to is that we'll see my family a lot for the first few months, and my mom a lot whenever it isn't tax season. after that, once a week will be as much as we see anyone, much like it is here. we'll make some new friends (as i only have perhaps four in knoxville these days), become reacquainted with some old ones, and siouxs! will spend a lot of time on the phone to st louis.

i'm looking forward to the move, but i'm also scared to death. does that make sense? we're buying a house, so that's a time commitment that lasts longer than an apartment lease. i don't yet have any great job leads. jack may well start his schooling in a place that doesn't value education as much as we do. we may have another baby with a tennessee ssn.

relocating sounds almost antiseptic. uprooting gives a better idea of how this feels. even if we're going to a great place, it's still like being a live tree on a flatbed truck.

the move is now less than four months away. i am less than two months away from giving notice at work. in three days, we are going to tn for a "visit," scouting houses, jobs, etc. the whole thing seems unreal sometimes (now being one of them). i need to get working on my resume before we head down, i should probably talk to a mortgage company today about pre-approval, and god knows what else i've let go this long. at least siouxs! has a job interview. i want to look into jobs that would allow me to use my better qualities and the things i enjoy... writing, design, and such, but since i don't have a degree in said subjects, i really have to sell myself to make this work. i really don't want to work in the liquor store my mom is suggesting, though it would give me time to do other things i guess.

days like this are a brain killer. there's no one here but me and the warehouse manager, and nothing in particular to do. i have a few bits of busywork that might keep me interested for a few minutes, but i need to save those things for a time that isn't friday afternoon.

i suppose i could continue searching house listings in tn, but after a while, they all start to look the same.

if the boss were actually here, he might cut me loose early, but since he's out and about, that isn't likely.

it's times like this that made drugs a lot more appealing.

according to statcounter, my two blogs are in a dead heat for visitors in december. until today, i have posted on neither in december. i haven't been posting as regularly as i might otherwise due to the busy season at work and the fact that our computer at home is in jack's room, so no computer use after seven or so. note to self: when we move, the computer gets its own room.

i'm getting pretty excited about moving. i don't know how long we'll be able to stay in tennessee, but i need to have a change of scenery. st louis has been a good second home, and will always be familiar, but i miss home home. i want to reconnect with my family and some friends. i know things will be different than they are when we visit, but i long for the hills on the horizon. i can't wait to be able to go to the mountains when i want to again. i want to see jack's face when he sees a herd of whitetail in cades cove.

i'm scared to leave st louis, but i can't stay here forever. this will be a good change (seven-plus months and counting).